P.S. As far as how to watch rugby, we published a position guide and a glossary as part of our Rugby World Cup coverage, as well as A Drunk's Guide to Watching Rugby, all at [deadspin.com]. Also, find a club and play!

We're not sure what English rugby announcers say when drunk people run onto the field. Perhaps "There's an idiot on the pitch?" But their cameramen are as uptight as their American counterparts, and immediately cut away from all the fun.

Lucky for us, a less-discerning fan who goes by Mr. SuperTighthead, managed to capture this dude's moment of glory. Out on a "stag do" (English for bachelor party), dressed as Goldilocks, and having had just the right number of pints, he frolicked through security during Friday's match between Bath and Sale. Until Bath Center Olly Barkley put a quick end to his drunken fairy tale with a perfect dump tackle. American streakers are usually brought down by an army of security and a couple of Tasers. English rugby players do not abide with such nonsense. You have been warned.

Video via Rugbydump.

How much is Tim Tebow worth? According to the Jets, a fourth- and a sixth-round pick. According to the winning bid yesterday at the charity auction for the Tim Tebow Foundation at Timmy's own Celebrity Golf Classic, $100,000. A day.

The winning bidders plan on bringing Timmy to their neighborhood in the Florida Keys to hang out with some underprivileged kids. Sounds nice.

Tebow, if you can believe it, is excited and humbled. He said, "It was very humbling. That day I feel like I've got to do a few extra things to be special, you know? I've got to try to be a little bit better." I think he said much the same thing after the Patriots game.

Best platonic, newly single, friend Lindsey Vonn was at Tebow's golf tournament too. We don't know if she bid, but we hear she may be having liquidity problems.

Couple bids $100K for Tebow day [ESPN New York]

It's been a tough April for the Red Sox. They're in last place in the East and are still dealing with the hangover of last September's epic collapse. Centerfielder Jacoby Ellsbury can't be blamed for either. He was the best position player in the American League last year (321/.375/.552, 32 HR), and was 7 for his first 26 before the 4th inning against the Rays yesterday. That was when he collided with Rays shortstop Reid Brignac trying to break up a double play, and dislocated his shoulder. Today, Ellsbury was placed on the 15-day DL with a "subluxed shoulder" (the Kia of injuries) and could miss up to 8 weeks. It does not seem he will require surgery.

Subluxing your shoulder does not sound fun. Brignac said "I could hear him and it sounded like a very painful thing. He was yelling and screaming a little bit." Sox Manager Bobby Valentine knows too well, saying "Some guy threw me down at home plate one time and it happened to me. It's painful." Something tells me Bobby V was up to something more nefarious than breaking up a double play. Perhaps while in disguise?

Poor Boston. The Sox finally play a good game, beating AL East rivals Tampa Bay 12-2, but lose their best player. I'm sure the boys had a lot on their minds after the game. But at least they could sit back in the clubhouse, crack open a couple of cold ones, and contemplate the cruel twists of baseball fate. Well, maybe at least contemplate the cruel twists of baseball fate, anyway.

Red Sox center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury placed on DL with subluxed shoulder [MLB.com]

It's a lovely spring afternoon in April, and that means a full slate of MLB games. Yu Darvish has already thrown 27 fewer first inning pitches against the Twins than in his first start of the year. The Machine and his Angels are in the Bronx against the Yankees. Later today, the Rays play the Sox in Fenway, which Rays DH Luke Scott hates. I'm sure it's mutual, Luke. Direct all your Luke Scott (or Tim McCarver) hate below.

Dwight Howard has been busy this year. In addition to playing basketball, he spent much of the season wrestling with the dilemma over to whom the fatally dysfunctional Orlando Magic should trade him. Howard then reversed course and decided to stay, put on his GM suit and asked the front office to trade for some talented teammates. They declined. So, he turned his attention down the bench, allegedly asking that same front office to fire coach Stan Van Gundy, giving us the gift of the most awkward press conference ever.

The weight of such responsibility was too much to bear. Howard, who has missed five out of the Magic's last seven games with a sore back, has been diagnosed with a herniated disc. He sat out last night's 109-81 loss to the Atlanta Hawks, and there is no timetable for his return. Dwight can now orchestrate the implosion of his franchise in a suit, from the end of the bench—Just like Van Gundy.

Magic's Dwight Howard diagnosed with herniated disk [USA Today]

It's been a banner week in Super Mario World. Saturday, Balotelli scored two goals, fought over who got to take a free kick, was offered for sale by his manager, did or didn't get in a postmatch fight in the locker room, and yesterday, crashed his Bentley in Manchester.

He could perhaps be forgiven for his distracted driving, since the day before he admitted he'd had a "brief relationship" with Jennifer Thompson. Ms. Thompson is better known in the UK tabloids as "Juicy Jeni" the £1,200 dollar-a-night escort famous for consorting with Manchester United's Wayne Rooney while his wife was pregnant.

Rooney's former escort, who is apparently an amateur these days, first hooked up with Balotelli in February, two days before he scored a goal and lifted his jersey to reveal an "I love you" message to his girlfriend, Italian model Raffaella Fico. Fico is apparently "devastated" which is a lot coming from a woman who became famous for offering her virginity for a million Euros on Italian Big Brother.

Mario Balotelli slept with Wayne Rooney prostitute [Daily Mail]

From now until the end of the season, we'll be posting a number of clips from the previous weekend's English Premier League games. If there's a goal, save, dive, lip-read profanity, or hocked sputum we should know about, drop us a line at tips@deadspin.com. (You might also enjoy our better-late-than-never EPL guide.)

Swansea loses pretty (Tottenham Hotspur 3, Swansea City 1)

I've watched a lot of soccer this season, some of it bad (recent Liverpool), some just mystifying (often featuring Man City and/or Mario Balotelli), but Sunday's Spurs-Swans was, if not the best, at least my favorite game of the year so far.

I've grown to love Swansea City and their short passing style. They were at it again in White Hart Lane, opening up the game while keeping the ball on the grass. Tottenham has been struggling lately,winning only two of their last eight and generally playing down to their opponents, but they seemed inspired by Swansea's style, and matched it. Beauty begets beauty. The return of Aaron Lennon opened up the field, and Rafael van der Vaart was everywhere on it. It took Spurs less than 20 seconds for the ball to go from Brad Friedel's gloves to the back of Swansea's goal. The Swans passing style, while lovely to watch, can leave space open for more talented teams (like Spurs) to exploit. And they did.

Friedel kept Spurs in the lead in the 48th minute, making an absolutely ridiculous save on Swansea's Gylfi Siggurdson Sigurdsson, who did find the net later on and who was the best player on the pitch for either team. Sigurdsson is on loan from Hoffenheim in the Bundesliga. If the Swans can hold onto Sigurdsson and Scott Sinclair, forming a nucleus around midfield maestro Leon Britton, they'll be an attractive part of the Premiership for seasons to come.

Mario Balotelli does stupid thing, brilliant thing (Manchester City 3, Sunderland 3)

Who is Mario Balotelli? Is he a petulant locker-room poison? Is he a misunderstood savant who isn't so much a real person as he is a human trending topic, a cat GIF on legs, a species of celebrity that we might as well identify as LOLman? Is he all of the above? We don't know what goes on in his head (does he know?), but Mario keeps doing things that make everyone shake his. Last week, on what was supposed to be a day off, he flew to Italy, drove a Ferrari to former club Inter, crashed the introductory press conference of their new coach, said hi, and left. The day before their match against Sunderland, manager Roberto Mancini decided to tell the press that he couldn't "trust" Mario.

City has gone from being the most dominant team in the EPL to the most dysfunctional, and Saturday at the Etihad they were at their worst. They are in the middle of a title race against United, and they were playing at home, where they hadn't lost all year and where on Saturday they looked for all the world as if they didn't want to be there. They fell behind early, and Sunderland were the better team. Mario and the rest of his Man City teammates played zombie soccer. Until Alexsandar Kolarov went to take his third free kick of the game, from just outside the box, City down 3-1. Our man Mario had other ideas, and threw a bit of a tantrum. This was Mario at his worst, being pushed out of the way by his captain, Vincent Kompany. City had capitulated, manager Mancini was sitting down on the sidelines, and then Mario cut in at the top of the box and scored one of his finest goals of the year. Mario at his best. Mancini didn't even move until Kolarov equalized in frantic fashion barely a minute later. Mario had saved two points, and any chance City have at the title.

So how did he celebrate? By getting into a post-match fight with teammate Yaya Toure. His manager thanked him by telling the press he wished he could have taken him off after five minutes, and that he's "for sale." Looks like Mario will be doing whatever it is he does somewhere else next year. Which is a shame. We'll miss him, along with schoolchildren and mall patrons of Manchester.

David De Gea saves United's day (Manchester United 2, Blackburn Rovers 0)

We haven't been showing enough great saves in Premiershit recently, so this week's edition features three, these two by Manchester United's David de Gea.

De Gea has made a remarkable comeback from an equally remarkable slump. Earlier this season, he was lost. He was horrible on crosses, couldn't corral a rebound, and defenders Nemanja Vidic and Phil Jones yelled at him on the field when United fell out of the Champions League against FC Basel. Sir Alex benched him after a 3-2 loss to Blackburn at Old Trafford on New Year's Eve.

But his replacement, Anders Lindegaard, got hurt, and De Gea wound up back in the lineup. Since then, he's been one of the best keepers in the EPL, saving a match against Chelsea with one of the saves of the year against Juan Mata, just when City was threatening to run away with the title. Against Blackburn, he made two more amazing saves on the cusp of halftime, keeping the game a goalless draw. Antonio Valencia's 81st-minute screwball blast was the game winner in the box score, but De Gea won the game in goal.

The Deuce gets No. 13 (Fulham 2, Norwich City 1)

Clint Dempsey scored a goal at Craven Cottage on Saturday. It wasn't his prettiest goal of the year, or the most meaningful. He didn't so much shoot the ball as get in its way, after Norwich City keeper John Ruddy couldn't corral a shot by Brian Ruiz. He didn't score with his head, or his foot, but with his thigh. But a goal's a goal, and Deuce keeps scoring. This one brings him to 13, breaking his own American record for goals in an EPL season, giving him 19 in all competitions, and further cementing what we've been saying all year: Clint Dempsey is having the best season any American has ever had in Europe.

From now until the end of the season, we'll be posting a number of clips from the previous weekend's English Premier League games. If there's a goal, save, dive, lip-read profanity, or hocked sputum we should know about, drop us a line at tips@deadspin.com. (You might also enjoy our better-late-than-never EPL guide.)

An emotional win as the Wanderers come home (Bolton Wanderers 2, Blackburn Rovers 1)

It was a sunny Saturday afternoon in Bolton, but a shadow hung over the Reebok Stadium. Although it felt like much longer, it'd only been a week since Fabrice Muamba's heart stopped in Bolton's FA Cup tie with Tottenham.

Somehow, Muamba is alive, taking, eating, joking. He wanted his team to go on. There was this minute of applause before kickoff, not in memory, but in support. Everyone in the stadium, Blackburn and Bolton supporters alike, chanted Muamba's name. It was the emotional and less-stressful follow-up to the scene last weekend, when the crowd at White Hart Lane chanted similarly, but in a plea for salvation as Muamba was carried off the field without a pulse.

There was a game to be played, however, and an important one at that. Blackburn and Bolton have been living dangerously near relegation all season. Three points either way could decide who remains in the Premiership next year. No one could have blamed Bolton if they weren't ready to play soccer again only a week later. How could they be? But they were. Helped by a crowd in full voice, they controlled the game, and got two headed goals by, of all people, defender David Wheater. Bolton is now two points clear of relegation. We hope manager Owen Coyle was right when he said of Muamba after the match, "He would have got a tremendous boost from it."

Peter Crouch (yes, Peter Crouch) scores the Goal of the Year (Stoke City 1, Manchester City 1)

As if we weren't going to show you this again. Peter Crouch's goals often resemble the man himself: ungainly, lacking flair, delivered in a jangle of bony right angles. I mean, he's 6-feet-7-inches—stick him in the box and fling some crosses in. But he's always been more graceful on his spindly legs than anyone gives him credit for. This goal proves it. He flicks the first header on off a goal kick, then perfectly strikes a 30-yard volley on its return. The ball doesn't touch the ground until it's on the floor of City keeper Joe Hart's goal. Poor Hart didn't have a chance.

We think it's the goal of the year so far. And Manchester City knows a thing or two about giving up wonder-goals that find themselves played in endless internet loops. Remember Wayne Rooney's bicycle kick goal last year? That was against Man City too.

Crouch's goal put not just the match but City's season in jeopardy. City needed at least a point to stay within shouting distance of United at the top of the table. Like last week, when they were down against Chelsea, City managed to equalize emphatically, thanks to Yaya Toure's long-distance bomb, which would have grabbed the headlines but for Crouch's strike. It's still a great goal. From a distance that even trigger-happy teammate Mario Balotelli would have found irresponsible, Toure unleashed a laser that didn't so much take a deflection off Stoke defender Ryan Shawcross as nearly decapitate him, before smashing through keeper Asmir Begovic's gloves to the back of the net, keeping City's title hopes alive along the way.

Wayne Rooney and Manchester United are back on top (Manchester United 1, Fulham 0)

It was never going to be easy for Fulham to beat United in Manchester. Fulham haven't even scored at Old Trafford since 2006. But here was Dempsey (and his teammates) on center stage where we've wanted him all along—under the bright lights against a big club, in England's version of Monday Night Football.

Fulham were up to the task and had the better of the first half hour. Dempsey found acres of space in United's midfield and forced keeper David De Gea into two good saves. Deuce's play prompted commentators Ian Darke and Steve McManaman (a much preferred MNF team to Tirico and Gruden) to put him in the player-of-the-year race, with Darke saying "No doubt Dempsey has been one of the top players in the Premiership this season. We, of course, agree.

But Fulham were bested by another POY candidate, Wayne Rooney. Fulham's backline fell asleep for a moment and Rooney took advantage. This goal brought his total to 21, only five behind the actual Player of the Year, Arsenal's Robin van Persie. It feels like one of the quietest 20 goal seasons I can remember in the EPL, but Rooney and United are back on top of Manchester City by three at what Sir Alex Ferguson called "an ideal time." Speaking of ideal, if the two Manchesters are still within three points of one another when they meet at the Ethiad on April 30th, it may be a de facto final. All the marbles. Deathmatch. We can't wait.

Bend it like Baines (Everton 2, Swansea City 0)

Since Landon Donovan went back to Cali to rejoin the Galaxy, the Toffees have been a bit off our radar. But they're having a late season renaissance. Over the weekend, they became only the third team to go to Wales and beat Swansea at the Liberty Stadium. And in a week of great goals, I think this Leighton Baines bending, diving, wall-evading upper 90 effort is the best free kick I've seen in the Premiership this year. Everton, sans Donovan, is only two points behind Liverpool for 7th, and the teams will meet in two weeks when they bring the Merseyside Derby to Wembley for the FA Cup semi-final. Somewhere in LA, Landon Donovan is jealous of Tim Howard, and David Beckham wishes he could bend it like Baines.

From now until the end of the season, we'll be posting a number of clips from the previous weekend's English Premier League games. If there's a goal, save, dive, lip-read profanity, or hocked sputum we should know about, drop us a line at tips@deadspin.com. (You might also enjoy our better-late-than-never EPL guide.)

Bolton's Fabrice Muamba has a Tottenham fan to thank for his life

Much has been written, better and more eloquently than I ever could, about Fabrice Muamba's collapse during Saturday's FA Cup match between his Bolton club and Tottenham—including by our friends and frenemies, respectively, at The Classical and Grantland.

As every soccer fan knows by now, 23-year-old Bolton midfielder Fabrice Muamba collapsed on the field just before halftime. Doctors rushed onto the field, and it became immediately clear this wasn't a normal injury. Muamba stayed down for what seemed like an eternity. Fans of both teams chanted his name as he was finally carried off the pitch. Referee Howard Webb abandoned the match, the players left the field, the fans left the stands, and the rest of us were left wondering what had happened. I wondered if I'd spent my Saturday morning watching a man die. I spent the next hour staring out the window and checking my Twitter feed compulsively, where I learned with the rest of the soccer world that he had had a heart attack, and "wasn't breathing" as he left the field. It was another hour before I learned he was alive.

What we've learned since is somehow even more amazing. A cardiologist and Tottenham fan, Andrew Deaner of the London Chest Hospital (the doctor in the video up top), leaped from the stands and assisted with CPR. Medical personnel, including both team's doctors, shocked Muamba's heart twice on the field and at least a dozen more times in the ambulance, which because of Deaner, took Muamba straight to the best cardiac hospital in London. Fabrice Maumba, according to Bolton's club doctor was "in effect dead" for 78 minutes.

Two hours after he regained consciousness, Deaner asked him "What's your name?" And Muamba replied, "Fabrice Muamba." Deaner then said, "I hear you're a really good footballer." And Muamba, somehow, said, "I try."

That Fabrice Muamba is alive after being "dead" for 78 minutes is incredible. That he could joke with one of the many doctors who helped save his life two hours after regaining consciousness is even more incredible. Saturday was one of those rare, awful moments when sports collides with life, or in this case, death. We don't know what caused Muamba's cardiac arrest, and we don't know how long and how complete his recovery will be. We also don't know if he will ever play soccer again, but after a day like Saturday and a week like this one, it seems to trivial to think about. We, along with many others, wish him the best.

Fernando Torres busts his slump (Chelsea 5, Leicester City 2)

Understandably lost amid the Muamba news was this: Fernando Torres scored a goal. And then another one. For the first time since October, after spending more than 24 hours—an actual goddamn day—on the pitch without scoring, Torres finally got a pair. So what if they came against a Championship also-ran team in a game that was already over? Torres ended an embarrassing dry spell that went on long enough that even Tim Tebow might have admonished him to "get some." Congratulations, Fernando. We trust your deal with the devil, or whatever sordid necromancy you've unleashed, lasts for more than one game.

Swansea plays matador to Fulham's bull (Swansea City 3, Fulham 0)

Saturday's Swansea vs. Fulham match was a tough one for me. They've become two of my favorite sides to watch this year. Fulham, of course, has our favorite Texas hotfoot, Clint Dempsey, who's been filling the score sheets and scaring up Premiershit fodder all season. Not this past weekend though. Barely a minute into the match, Dempsey went on a characteristically marauding run only to have his strike deflected by the fingertips of Swans' keeper Michel Vorm. Dempsey wouldn't get another chance for almost an hour and a half.

Swansea has been the revelation of the season. The little Welsh team is the first side from the rugby-crazed country to make it to the upper echelon of English soccer. (Should we now call it British soccer?) They play a Welsh version of tika-taka and on Saturday used it with stunning effectiveness, completing 613 passes to Fulham's 344. "A real clinic," Swans manager Brendan Rogers called his team's performance. He was right. Leon Britton controlled the midfield. Swans controlled possession. Gylfi Sigurdsson scored two goals. And Dempsey—poor Dempsey—was left charging around the pitch aimlessly like an angry steer at a rodeo.

QPR escape the bottom three with three unanswered goals (Queens Park Rangers 3, Liverpool 2)

With the battle heating up between the Manchesters at the top of the table, there's a five-way race to avoid the bottom three spots and relegation. QPR has been flirting with that fate most of the season, and they were on Wednesday when Liverpool arrived at Loftus Road.

Liverpool struck first with this ridiculous scissors-kick goal from Sebastián Coates, who scored on his very first shot in a red jersey. Of course, Coates and his teammates forgot to play defense in the last 20 minutes and squandered a 2-0 lead. QPR's goals came fast, and the most exhilarating of them came in injury time on a miracle of a nutmeg by sub Jamie Mackie. That's the beauty of the EPL: one moment or one goal can make all the difference, at any point in the season. Just listen to the crowd and watch Mackie's celebration after winning the match. QPR is now two points clear of relegation, and the view from 17th is gorgeous.

Welcome (back) to Manchester, Carlos Tevez (Manchester City 2, Chelsea 1)

It seemed this day would never come. Six months, 37 City games, several burnt effigies, and an unseemly amount of Argentine golf have been recorded since Carlos Tevez last played for Manchester City. When Tevez fled Manchester and the hemisphere in September, City were in first place, a position they held until Swansea upset them two weekends ago. Many wondered, myself included, if City were better off without him. The short answer? No.

Ian Darke and Steve McManaman filled up the first-half dead air cracking jokes about Tevez and his single digit handicap, wondering if he shouldn't be getting ready for the Masters and whether he can outdrive fellow Argentinian golfer Angel Cabrera. But when Chelsea's Gary Cahill scored against the run of play, with half an hour to go, manager Roberto Mancini put on Tevez, who despite carrying a few extra kilos of beer weight, made an immediate difference. He set up the play that ended with Michael Essien's egregious, two-handed, juggling handball in the box. Then he pouted outside the box as fellow Argentine striker and City's new first-choice penalty taker, Sergio Aguero, equalized. Hey, that's Carlos being Carlos.

But his sublime give-and-go with Sami Nasri was equally Carlos, and it secured the victory for City. That's what you get with Tevez. He's a petulant, brilliant buffoon who may have just saved City's hopes for a championship. Mark April 30th on your calendars now. United comes to the Ethiad, where City have now won an EPL-record 20 matches in a row. The title will likely be on the line. Who knows which Carlos will show up then?

Peyton Manning is a Bronco now, meaning Tim Tebow is trade bait. Which NFL team should part with their 30 pieces of silver (and maybe a fifth-round draft pick) to bring Tebowmania to town? The Internet has given this question careful consideration and furnished us with an answer: every team.

49ers
"[I]n case Manning signs with the Broncos and Smith is spirited away by the Seahawks, how about this scenario: The 49ers trade for Tim Tebow. Harbaugh and Trent Baalke draft Stanford's Coby Fleener, and with three big tight ends that your grandma could throw to, plus Moss, Tebow has some margin of error. And a coach who loves him." [San Francisco Chronicle]

Bears
"If Peyton Manning signs with Denver, do my Chicago Bears have the good sense to sign Tim Tebow and play him like GB did with Paul Hornung?" [Twitter]

Bengals
"Again, the appeal of a mobile backup quarterback and added interest to the run game could make Tebow a smart add for the Cincinnati Bengals as well. With so much cap space, they could easily afford him, even if his price tag were higher." [Bleacher Report]

Bills
"The Bills do make football sense. Coach Chan Gailey is perhaps the pro game's best at getting creative with mobile quarterbacks. He's the rare coach that would know what to do with Tebow. He could upgrade the backup position behind Ryan Fitzpatrick. Gailey could create packages for Tebow on the goal line and in short yardage, like Gailey once did for Kordell Stewart." [NFL.com]

Broncos
"Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper is hoping the Broncos hang on to Tim Tebow so he can learn under the tutelage of Peyton Manning, if Denver lands Manning as expected. Hickenlooper said Monday that Manning is one of the greatest quarterbacks ever to play the game but called Tebow 'a remarkable person.'" [abc7 Denver]

Browns
"The Browns need a quarterback, and Tebow would become a consolation prize after losing out on Robert Griffin III." [NFL.com]

"ESPN's Mel Kiper opined that the Browns would be one of five teams to look into bringing in the former Heisman winner." [Fox8 Cleveland]

Buccaneers
"Tebow has visited the community a couple of times this year, and he co-owns a fitness center in Citrus Park so he does have some local ties. From a marketing standpoint and a team management standpoint it might just be a very low risk and high reward move for the Bucs to make." [Bleacher Report]

Cardinals
"It's a long shot because they've already invested so much in quarterback Kevin Kolb. But who knows what happened behind the scenes during the Cardinals' courtship of Manning—maybe Kolb is ticked. Weirder things have happened." [NESN]

Chargers
"@SportsCenter Tim Tebow should go to the chargers. Their offense could use the help. Phillip rivers is gettin a little sloppy." [Twitter]

Chiefs
"Chiefs general manager Scott Pioli is a fan of Tebow as a person." [ESPN]

Colts
"why not if they can get him for a song.Do some goalline stuff and other kinds of gadget formations.Lord knows they are going to need something to keep some attention on them for awhile probably." [Colts Fan Forum]

Cowboys
"More than anything else, acquiring Tebow sends the message that desperately needs to be posted somewhere around the halls at Valley Ranch that reads in giant non-erasable ink: All Jobs Available—Inquire Within. The Cowboys do not need to resort to the eggshell days of Bill Parcells when everyone feared for his professional life. Given, however, this team's mind-numbing lack of playoff success for more than a decade, there is nobody out at Valley Ranch not named Jones who should feel secure about his job." [Fort Worth Star-Telegram]

Dolphins
"Tebow could be next on Miami's radar. He's from Florida, wildly popular, and it's not like at that point the Dolphins would have a lot of options. Most of the available second-tier free-agent quarterbacks have signed elsewhere (Henne, Kyle Orton, Jason Campbell) and Miami's draft position (No. 8) could make them a pick or three too late for Ryan Tannehill. Which means that they'll either have to trade up to get Tannehill (and give up much-needed picks in the process) or settle on one of the few available options: Tebow." [CBS Sports]

Eagles
"Eagles coach Andy Reid is prone to do the unpredictable (see, Michael Vick, 2009; or Vince Young, 2010). Two, Tebow has many of the same qualities as Vick (mobile, lefthanded, strong-armed). Three, switching to Tebow from Vick if Vick were to sustain an injury - he has missed at least three games because of injury in each of his three seasons in Philadelphia - would not require a major adjustment to play-calling or blocking schemes." [SI.com]

Falcons
"If you sign Tebow you have to sit him down and break the news to him. Here's how that talk would go in Coach Led's office. 'Timmy, you're not a quarterback son,' Coach Led would said. 'But you could play the next 10 years as my fullback/H-back. Here's jersey No. 45 and a video disc of Marv Hubbard, Earl Campbell and Larry Csonka. Go to the church and pray about this and hopefully we'll see you in the morning. 'When we get on the goal line or in short-yardage we might let you get in there and throw that little jump-pass thingy you guys did at Florida. But we need you to wrap your arms around the fact that you're not a quarterback.'" [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]

"I'll take Tim Tebow over Matt Ryan tho At Least he won a Playoff game.... #FALCONS #AUTHURBLANK" [Twitter]

Giants
"Tim Tebow can come join the NY Giants. Gets screwed by Peyton and wins title with Eli." [Twitter]

Jaguars
"General manager Gene Smith may have no desire to sign Tebow (he didn't draft him in 2010 and apparently doesn't want him now, either), but new Jags owner Shahid Khan is the guy writing the checks. And based on his comments last month, he sounds like he'd at least give the former Florida star consideration. 'One-hundred percent I would have [drafted Tebow],' Khan said in February." [CBS Sports]

"I would consider coming out of retirement if TEBOW became a Jaguar!" [Jimmy Smith's Twitter]

Jets
"The Jets, ailing with recent quarterback troubles, could use Tebow's option offense to improve their run game to help take them to a Super Bowl. Since the Jets are already focused on the run, adding a mean run-threat QB like Tebow could help bolster their run offense into the top of the league to help them achieve their Super Bowl hopes. Plus, Tebow has already become a national star in Denver, and moving to New York City could do nothing but increase his international fame and help him shape his image. Since we already know that Tebow is a die-hard Christian and wants to spread his message, he might look to a big market team to give him the voice to spread his faith." [Bleacher Report]

"Just heard from source inside the Jets' organization. Regarding Tim Tebow: 'We are players in the Tebow race.' #nfl" [Twitter]

Lions
"Do the Lions still need some depth at quarterback? Tim Tebow might be available." [Detroit Free Press]

Packers
"McCarthy and Tom Clements, once the Packers' quarterbacks coach and now their offensive coordinator, are considered two of the best quarterback tutors in the NFL. As we discussed in 2010, if you're a Tebow fan, you would hope he lands in a place like Green Bay, where he would have a well-honed structure to straighten out his game." [ESPN]

Panthers
"..the PANTHERS should get TEBOW...TEBOW, WILLAIMS, and CAM in a WILDCAT and/or WISHBONE formation...WHO could STOP THAT..." [Twitter]

Patriots
"Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels drafted Tebow with the 25th pick in the first round when he was the head coach of the Broncos in 2010. McDaniels never started Tebow but used him in the Broncos goal-line offense." [Boston Globe]

"Pure speculation: I wonder if Tebow would fit with Pats... No team uses hybrids more, plus McDaniels connection." [Buster Olney's Twitter]

Raiders
"Tim Tebow really would make for an interesting fit with the Oakland Raiders. Make it happen, God!" [Twitter]

Rams
"They volunteered to play in England in part because they believe that it will make them like the Cowboys and Steelers. It won't. Tebow could. Throw in the ongoing struggles to sell tickets (sellouts undoubtedly come from owner Stan Kroenke buying up the unsold seats at 34 cents on the dollar) and a possible move to Los Angeles, and Tebow makes plenty of sense wearing horns from a creature other than, you know, the devil." [Pro Football Talk]

"Would love to see Tebow join the Dolphins but more likely to be the Jaguars. Rams would be good - Tebowing at Wembley!" [Twitter]

Ravens
"Having Tebow as added insurance-plus as an added dimension to the team's already successful run game-could morph the Ravens' offense into something strange and scary." [Bleacher Report]

"I kinda wish Tebow would come to the Ravens, but we already have a good runningback." [Twitter]

Redskins
"Fans would love his passion to contribute. Teammates would love his leadership and dedication to working as hard as he can to help the team win. Ownership would love his well-established marketing appeal. The media would love the hysteria that always accompanies him. And Tebow would love the D.C. area—it's not quite a Florida homecoming, but it would put him back on the East Coast and only a 90-minute flight from home." [Washington Post]

Saints
"Send Tebow to New Orleans. The irony of playing for the Saints will be awesome. Plus when Katrina 2.0 hits Tebow can build an ark." [Twitter]

Seahawks
"@TimTebow Hey Tebow check out the Seattle Seahawks they need a good quarterback I think you would be their best choice, i like your swagger." [Twitter]

Steelers
"Pittsburgh won't re-sign third-string quarterback Dennis Dixon and Tebow is basically a bigger version of the same player. Added bonus: he can give the team another power back in goal-line situations and in his spare time help keep Ben Roethlisberger on the straight and narrow." [CBS Sports]

"The Pittsburgh Steelers already have a mobile, unpredictable quarterback in Ben Roethlisberger, so Tebow would be a useful analog to him as a backup. Pittsburgh's also a team in which Tebow could see legitimate playing time if Roethlisberger's injury history is any indicator of his future." [Bleacher Report]

Texans
"We need a mobile QB. Remember the Raiders game when Schaub looked like he was going to run it in and then threw a INT. Tebow would've scored." [Twitter]

Titans
"Never fear Titans fans...Tim Tebow looks to be available for a sixth-round draft pick." [Twitter]

Vikings
"With the Vikings struggling on the field, they will also struggle to put butts in the seats of the Metrodome...Who better to fill the seats than Tim Tebow? He single-handedly can captivate a nation and maybe more importantly the people that aren't even too big of football fans are tuning in. More people tuning in equals more people coming to the games equals more money for the franchise." [Bleacher Report]

Image by Jim Cooke. Patrick Burns contributed reporting.

Kelly Clark is the two-time defending X Games Gold Medalist in Women's Superpipe. She won gold in Salt Lake in '02 and bronze in Vancouver in 2010. At the 2011 X Games she became the first woman to land a 1080 in competition. The 30th U.S. Open Snowboarding Championships are going on right now, and Clark is currently in first place in the women's halfpipe. Popular Mechanics previewed the event by setting up a high-speed camera to break down Clark's technique, which she discussed with our friend Jeremy Repanich. Go read how they drop some science on dropping into the pipe.

It's pretty sick, brah.

Anatomy of Big Air: How a Champion Snowboarder Uncorks a Huge Trick [Popular Mechanics]

The King's College Lady Monarchs booked their tickets to a women's NCAA Division III Sweet 16 game this weekend against Emmanuel in Amherst, Mass. But senior forward Paige Carlin, the team's leading scorer (11.4 ppg), already had tickets—to Cancun for Spring Break. This is going dancing in the original sense of the phrase.

Carlin left for Mexico on Sunday, a day after King's College pulled out a 64-63 win against William Paterson to advance in the tournament. Since then, the local paper reports, Carlin's name has been scrubbed from the roster, not that anyone at King's College seems to give a hoot:

[I]t has been learned that [coach Brian] Donoghue, along with Carlin's teammates, were not informed of Carlin's decision until after the fact.

"We're not letting it be a distraction," Donaghue said. "We'll be fine."

And they probably will be. Carlin had seen her playing time cut dramatically during the tournament. She played all of 10 scoreless minutes in her team's comeback over William Paterson, during which another Lady Monarch tied a tournament record with nine three-pointers.

But before we blast Carlin for being a bad teammate, look at it this way: She knows she's not going pro. It's her last year. Maybe she got tired of basketball. At some point, we all make a similar calculation. Do you want to spend your senior spring in flip-flops doing body shots in the Caribbean or do you want to sit on a bench in rural Massachusetts?

The NCAA will be the first to tell you that most of their 400,000 "student-athletes" go pro in something else. Not sure whether they meant foam-dancing in Mexico.

King's leading scorer picks spring break over tournament [The Citizens' Voice]

From now until the end of the season, we'll be posting a number of clips from the previous weekend's English Premier League games. If there's a goal, save, dive, lip-read profanity, or hocked sputum we should know about, drop us a line at tips@deadspin.com. (You might also enjoy our better-late-than-never EPL guide.)

From Craven Cottage to the Champions League? (Fulham 5, Woverhampton 0)

We can't stop writing about Clint Dempsey for good reason. As the understated British commentators might say, Dempsey is "enjoying a fine run of form." Translation: He's on fucking fire. After scoring the only goal in the USA's first-ever defeat of Italy on Tuesday, Clint added two more for Fulham over the weekend to tie his own record for goals by an American in the EPL, with 12. That's good enough for seventh in the league.

Dempsey is already having the best season ever by an American in the EPL and could end up scoring 20 goals. If Fulham stay in eighth place—where they are now—they'd finish at the top of what amounts to the second tier of the Premier League. Which begs the question: Hasn't Dempsey outgrown the friendly confines of Craven Cottage?

Dempsey's made no secret of his desire to play in the Champions League, and let's be fair—it's not going to happen at Fulham. At 29, he'll never be a hotter commodity and although he may not get the long-term deal he wants, it's time for Dempsey to play for and against the best teams in the world. I'll miss rooting for him and Fulham but will quickly get over it while wearing my #23 Dempsey (insert big club here) jersey during next year's Champions League. Something tells me I won't be the only one.

Robin van Persie is Arsenal, Arsenal is Robin van Persie (Liverpool 1, Arsenal 2)

The only player in the Premiership who's been hotter than Clint Dempsey is Arsenal's Robin van Persie. The Gunners came to Anfield in a four-way battle for fourth and the last Champions League spot. A few weeks ago, Arsenal supporters were calling for Arsene Wenger's head, after defeats in the Champions League and the FA Cup. Then Robin van Persie said "enough" and led his team to several stirring wins. He did it again on Saturday against Liverpool, which had almost all the chances, including a few that hit the woodwork. Van Persie only had two shots. He scored them both, giving him 25 goals in 25 Premiership matches this year, seven more than Wayne Rooney and nearly half of Arsenal's total. He trails only Ronaldo and Messi for the European Golden Boot. Arsenal needs to re-sign Van Persie this summer to remain relevant at the top of the EPL. If they do, Wenger might hold onto his job a while longer, and this guy might keep losing his mind in the stands:

AVB was DOA (West Bromwich Albion 1, Chelsea 0)

Sunday was a big day for Russian strongmen. When I woke up that morning and checked the news, I learned that Vladimir Putin had been elected president and that Roman Abramovich had finally fired manager Andre Villas-Boas after this humble West Brom goal torpedoed Chelsea. I wasn't sure which was less surprising.

AVB was Chelsea's eighth manager in nine years since Abramovich took control of the team. Struggling to hold onto the fourth Champions League qualifying spot, taking a 3-1 drubbing at Napoli in the Champions League, drawing Birmingham City at home in the FA Cup—the loss to West Brom was the final straw. AVB we hardly knew you. But we all knew that this is how it would end. Why doesn't Abramovich just descend from his box and manage the team himself? Go full Putin. Just do it.

Et tu, Fox Soccer?

Don't get me wrong, I love Fox Soccer. I don't know where I'd be without them. They provide an invaluable service to stateside soccer fans. Ninety percent of my soccer comes from Fox Soccer. They give us what we want—soccer games, and lots of them, without what we dislike—explosions, hyperbole, Piers Morgan. But recently, they've caught the hype bug from their parent network.

For the past two weekends, Fox Soccer has been splattering a "Clash of the Giants" hashtag, graphic, and video onto everything they broadcast. Sometimes with good reason. England vs. Holland friendly? Sure. Tottenham vs. Arsenal? Manchester United vs. Tottenham? Ok. But Manchester United vs. Norwich City? Man City vs. Bolton? Not so much. I know theme weeks can be fun. Remember Blood Week? But what gives you the goddamn right, Fox Soccer, to throw around hashtags so irresponsibly? Norwich and Bolton have never been giants. I guess #clashofagiantvsashittybottomofthetableclub isn't as catchy.

We're still not sure what side to take in the Clipper Darrell vs. the Clippers dispute. It's easy to blame the Clippers, since Donald Sterling is such a dick and the timing of all this just so happened to coincide with the Clippers finally tasting success. But maybe Clipper Darrell was being a bit of an ungrateful, spotlight-seeking dick, too.

Then Darrell Bailey appeared Sunday on ABC7's Sports Zone after the Lakers vs. Heat game to clear up the controversy. Or at least that was the plan. Instead, in nearly five painful minutes, Bailey broke down in tears twice and turned host Rob Fukuzaki from a composed, finely-gelled sports anchor to a flop-sweating, stuttering puddle of awkwardness in a matter of seconds.

Poor, crazy Clipper Darrell. The man obviously lives in a red-and-blue-painted world of his own creation. But at least he seemed happy there. Darrell Bailey needs Clipper Darrell way more than the Clippers do. And those Clippers have already lost way more in bad press than the ticket they've been throwing his way could ever cost them. So c'mon Clippers, let Clipper Darrell be Clipper Darrell. And Clipper Darrell? Dude, relax. You've got prime real estate in downtown Lob City for free every night.

Video: Clipper Darrell Breaks Down and Cries During Television Interview [Bleacher Report]
h/t Lando

So this is what happens to the Los Angeles Clippers when they discover success. For more than a decade, a living cartoon character known as Clipper Darrell was maybe the only tangible proof we had that L.A.'s other NBA franchise had fans. Night after night, year after year, Clipper Darrell would be at the Staples Center carrying on in his half-red, half-blue custom-made suit. But yesterday on his website, in what has to be the first instance in which a sports team has disowned one of its fans, Clipper Darrell says the Clippers essentially broke up with him:

It is with great sadness that I must report to all those in NBA NATION that I have been told by Clipper management they no longer want me to be Clipper Darrell, a name that was given to me by the media because of my unwavering support and team spirit. I am devastated!!!!

I have been a season ticket holder for over a decade and a FAN for over 15 years and have dedicated a major part of my life to support the Clipper organization and it's players no matter what the season's outcome. Over the years (400 home games) I have gone to great lengths to show my appreciation and loyalty in my attire, the car I drive and in my very own home. I've taken seriously the mantra of being "Clipper Darrell" in performing community service, mentoring young children and my participation in outreach programs. I've appreciated the struggles of the team to overcome obstacles as I've done in my life. I felt vindicated for all the years we as Clipper fans have gone through trials and tribulations and NOW we have a team that can win it all. Yesterday was the hardest day of my life, I felt powerless as a fan, as I was stripped of my identity however, no one can take away my heart and the love I have for my team!

It started last week, when Clipper Darrell (whose real name is Darrell Bailey) was informed by Carl Lahr, the Clippers' senior VP of marketing and sales—and chief of the Fun Police—"that the organization didn't need him doing stories or speaking to the media on behalf of the team." Darrell recalled the conversation this way: "We got to talking and I said the way I feel, you don't want Clipper Darrell no more. You want Darrell Bailey back. They said, 'You would do that?' ... They told me at the end of the conversation that, 'We would like you not to be Clipper Darrell anymore and would like you to go back to Darrell Bailey.'"

There has since been an outpouring of support for Clipper Darrell, with even a few Clippers players expressing their solidarity, beginning with Chris Paul, who has called himself Clipper Darrell's biggest fan:

Blake Griffin and DeAndre Jordan sided with Clipper Darrell on Twitter too, though both have since deleted their tweets. The love didn't just come from the Clippers, either. Andrew Bogut of the Bucks tweeted to offer him a position as "Buck Darrell":

Darrell Bailey showed up to Tuesday's night Clippers game in the black suit of a man in mourning. Clipper Darrell and his two-tone Clipper suit were nowhere to be found. Bailey had this to say: "Am I going to go back as Clipper Darrell? I can't. It's kind of hard to get back into a groove again." The Clippers have since issued a statement that says Clipper Darrell "is not actually a fan of the Clippers, but a fan of what he can make off of the Clippers." Their devotion to brand management is so very precious. Hands off our good name, says the franchise best known for being run by a short-fingered racist sex goblin. The Clippers can bring in all the great players they want. But they'll never stop being the Clippers.

Your morning roundup for March 1. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors.

What we're watching (all times EST): PGA Honda Classic, first round (Golf Channel) at 3. VMI vs. Winthrop (ESPNU) in men's college basketball at 6. Michigan at Illinois (ESPN) and Florida State at Virginia (ESPN2) in men's college basketball at 7. Thunder at Magic (TNT) at 8. NC-Asheville vs. Charleston Southern (ESPNU) in men's college basketball at 8. Georgia at Kentucky (ESPN) and Villanova at Rutgers (ESPN2) in men's college basketball at 9. Heat at Trail Blazers (TNT) at 10:30. Colorado at Oregon (Fox Sports Net) in men's college basketball at 10:30. New Mexico State at Nevada (ESPN2) in men's college basketball at 11.

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Tiny Bits of Joy: "This isn't a story about how sports allowed me to form some kind of ethereal bond with my father, helping me to find a way to love him when doing so always seemed impossible. The story does not end with me wistfully holding that old photograph of my father in his little league uniform or taking his old clubs out for one more round of golf as part of some kind of cinematic ritual of forgiveness and appreciation. There is no dramatic turn or reversal here that brings with it the idea that sports can heal old wounds. Sports don't really have that power, no matter how many times we may have been told otherwise by a Monday Night Football broadcast. What sports can do, however, is simplify things. There will always be a game to be played and a victory to be had. It's while the outcome of these games are being decided that we are given the opportunity to extract tiny bits of happiness out of the seemingly mundane. We smile and nod our heads at the sight of a bang-bang double play or a drive that skips perfectly down the center of the fairway. It will always be this way. It is within this realm of simplicity that sports help me make sense of my father. Those golf clubs and that photograph help me understand that he used to be someone else. He used to be just a regular guy, one who grew up playing little league and getting a kick out of a perfectly struck golf ball. He used to enjoy the same things that I do. This is an incredibly simple way to conceive of my father, but that's precisely what comforts me, as it reminds me that his life wasn't always so full of ugliness. I can hold onto this thought and smile just a little." [The Good Men Project]

This Date In Deadspin History

March 1, 2010: Soccer Player Who Killed Fluffy, Defenseless Owl May Get Jail Time

Elsewhere

Rangers enforcer John Scott would let Jeremy Lin punch him: "Two weeks ago, when the Chicago Blackhawks were in town to face the Rangers, John Scott sat in the stands at Madison Square Garden with his teammates Patrick Kane and Patrick Sharp to watch the Knicks play the Sacramento Kings. Like almost everyone else, Scott got caught up in the play of Knicks guard Jeremy Lin, but critiqued Lin's defense. Now that Scott is a member the Rangers and works for the same parent company as Lin, he was offered a chance to soften his review. 'No, it's O.K.,' Scott said, laughing. 'You can't kill a guy for offering his opinion. I was just saying he had one weakness to work on. Most of us have a lot more than that. Look at me. No one thought I could make it to the N.H.L., and there are a lot of people who still don't think I belong. I haven't come close to reaching his level, and I never will, but I can relate to Jeremy. I hope I get to meet him soon at the Garden or the practice facility. For what I said, he can even punch me in the hallway if he wants to.'" [New York Times]

His Airness is selling his Chicago castle: "Basketball superstar Michael Jordan's longtime family home in Highland Park is on the market, but it'll cost a bit more than the latest must-have pair of Air Jordans...It's listed for $29 million, furnished, putting it in rare air as the highest-priced home listing in the Chicago market. The secluded compound, built in the mid-1990s and renovated in 2009, encompasses more than 56,000 square feet and includes nine bedrooms, 15 full baths, four half baths and five fireplaces spread between a main house and a connected guesthouse...And then there's the attached indoor basketball complex. The facility, completed in 2001, has a full-size regulation basketball court with cushioned hardwood floors, adjustable backboards and baskets, and a sound system tuned to provide the right acoustics in the court space." [Chicago Tribune; h/t tomuban]

Your Yemeni cola commercial interlude:

Luke Scott doesn't like Red Sox fans. No one likes Luke Scott: "Tampa Bay Rays slugger Luke Scott, who not 48 hours ago confined his enemies to "criminals and communists," forgot one. Fans of the Olde Towne Teame, the Boston Red Sox. Scott really dislikes Red Sox fans. 'Just their arrogance,' Scott said. 'The fans come in and they take over the city. They're ruthless. They're vulgar. They cause trouble. They talk about your family. Swear at you. Who likes that? When people do that, it just gives you more incentive to beat them. Then when things like [the last game of last season] happen, you celebrate even more. You go to St. Louis—classiest fans in the game. You do well, there's no vulgarity. You know what? You don't wish them bad.'" [Big League Stew]

Send stories, photos, and anything else you might have to tips@deadspin.com.

Your morning roundup for Feb. 29. Photo via ANIMALNewYork. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors.

What we're watching (all times EST): USA at Italy (ESPN2) in a men's soccer friendly at 2:30. Maryland at North Carolina (ESPN), Marquette at Cincinnati (ESPN2), and St John's at Pittsburgh (ESPNU) in men's college basketball at 7. Penguins at Stars (NBCSN) at 7:30. Bulls at Spurs (ESPN) at 9. Oklahoma at Texas (ESPN2) and Iowa at Nebraska (ESPNU) in men's college basketball at 9.

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Leitch on Lin: "When Lin started draining three-pointers in the clutch as if he were Larry Bird, the most unlikely thing about it wasn't his skin color or alma mater: It's the fact that a guy with his skills isn't even supposed to be taking those shots. For two giddy, batshit, statistically anomalous weeks, we watched Jeremy Lin double down on sixteen over and over and win every time. The fun of it was knowing that this was the game when the joyride had to end … and then witnessing him draw yet another blackjack and act like it was the most normal thing in the world. The run finally came to a close last Thursday against the Heat, but he's still way up, as gamblers might put it. Meanwhile, the Knicks had a seven-game winning streak, and Lin set a record for the most points scored in a player's first five starts." [New York Magazine]

This Date In Deadspin History

Feb 29, 2008: Big Ten Pets Are Ready For March Madness/Snausages

Elsewhere

D-Wade sorry for Pete Rose-ing Kobe Bryant's Ray Fosse: "Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade said he sent a message of apology to Kobe Bryant after unintentionally breaking his nose during a hard foul in Sunday's All-Star Game. 'It's all I can do,' Wade said of the message to Kobe. 'He knows it's no ill intent of me to do that to him. Talk about me for taking the foul, but I never wanted that kind of outcome.' Bryant's teammates weren't exactly in a forgiving mood and questioned the motivation behind Wade's foul. 'It was an All-Star Game,' said Andrew Bynum, who was on the Western Conference All-Star's bench in Orlando at the time of the foul. 'I don't understand what that was all about. It was crazy.' Added Pau Gasol: 'I think it was out of place, out of line, for the moment and the game that it was, but I don't think he intended to break his nose. He just fouled him kind of hard there and got his nose. But again, I don't think it was the place to foul like that.'" [ESPN LA]

At M.I.T.'s Sloan Conference, basketball nerds disagree with The Decision: As for LeBron James's Decision, Shen said that Miami was one of the worst teams James could have picked in terms of chemistry. The Cleveland Cavaliers presented James with the best synergies, but that was largely because he made his teammates better, rather than the other way around. Also, according to their model, Dwyane Wade is not a good fit with James because their main skills, offensive scoring and ball handling, are wasted in combination with one another. But Shen acknowledged that mathematical formulas do not always have the answers. 'If you're LeBron James, synergies aren't the only things you consider,' he said." [New York Times]

Your Nolan Ryan and Robin Ventura Interlude:

Bernie Fine's accusers seek change in sexual abuse laws: "Bobby Davis and Mike Lang, who were ball boys in the Orange's program, traveled to the Capitol Tuesday with high-profile attorney Gloria Allred. They're joining a push for a bill sponsored by Assemblywoman Marge Markey, a Queens Democrat who for seven years has pushed measures to make it easier to sue alleged abusers, even opening up a one-year window during which lawsuits could be brought regardless of the statute of limitations. 'I was a child when I was sexually abused. Coming forward then, against someone so revered in our community was not an option,' said Davis. ‘Also, when I did call the police department and university, they did not do anything meaningful. This law would make child predators accountable so they could not hide behind the statute of limitations.'" [Albany Times Union]

Tiger was lucky we weren't at war with Sweden: "Imagine for just a second what the golf world would be like if Tiger Woods had decided to walk away from the game in the prime of his career. It's almost impossible to fathom, but in an excerpt from Hank Haney's soon-to-be-released Tiger tell-all, posted on GolfDigest.com, the instructor confirmed there was a point when Woods considered giving up golf to become a Navy SEAL. 'Tiger was seriously considering becoming a Navy SEAL. I didn't know how he'd go about it, but when he talked about it, it was clear he had a plan....I thought, Wow, here is Tiger Woods, greatest athlete on the planet, maybe the greatest athlete ever, right in the middle of his prime, basically ready to leave it all behind for a military life.'" [Yahoo Sports]

Bobby Valentine, anti-beer, pro-beating up A-Rod: "New Boston Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine got the 2012 rivalry with the Yankees going early Tuesday. He took a little shot at captain Derek Jeter and then took a poke at another Yankee when asked to assess Jason Varitek, the catcher who will retire Thursday. 'From afar, he was everything you want a guy who wears a 'C' to be,' Valentine said of the longtime Red Sox captain. 'He was a man's man, he was a big hitter when needed, he was the leader of the pitching staff. [Pause] He was able to beat up Alex, all that stuff. He was exactly what he was supposed to be.'" [ESPN Boston]

Send stories, photos, and anything else you might have to tips@deadspin.com.

Your morning roundup for Feb. 28. Photo via Mocksession. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors.

What we're watching (all times EST): Michigan State at Indiana (ESPN), Kansas State at Texas A&M (ESPN2), and Mississippi at Arkansas (ESPNU) in men's college basketball at 7. Kings at Wild (NBCSN) at 7:30. Hornets at Bulls (NBATV) at 8. Duke at Wake Forest (ESPNU) and Florida at Vanderbilt (ESPN) at 9. Flyers at Sharks (NBCSN) 10:30.

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San Quentin's Field of Dreams: "There are runners on first and second and two outs in the top of the first inning of the first game of organized baseball I've played in seven years, and on the pitcher's mound, a large inverted triangle of a man with thin eyes set deep in a bone-ridged face toes the rubber. His name is Mario. Behind him, the green hump of Marin County's Mount Tamalpais rises over a high concrete wall and one palm tree wavers. The wooden bat is a welcome, familiar weight in my sweating fingers, and the soles of my cleats are heavy, weighed down with clumps of infield mud. Gulls circle, and I can smell the sea. They made baseball for afternoons like this. The crowd, a group of about 150 inmates clad entirely in blue and positioned behind home plate, murmurs. Mario wears a permanent grin. Good pitchers don't grin. Good pitchers, the tired adage goes, are killers. Mario's fastball can't be faster than 75 miles per hour; his curve is a long, slow loop. He's not a killer. At least, I don't think so. 'Thanks for coming,' says a voice from behind me as I step into the batter's box. 'It's a real honor. My name's Johnny.' I look back. The catcher, a taut, wiry man, stares up with wide eyes. The tattoos on his neck appear to have tattoos on them. Johnny—now, Johnny could be a killer." [Outside]

This Date In Deadspin History

Feb 28, 2010: Tim Tebow False Messiah Watch: Antichrist Edition

Elsewhere

Welcome to the NBA, Andre Emmett. You have ten days: "Andre Emmett was shooting jumpers in an empty arena at the edge of Nevada when the N.B.A. came calling two weeks ago. Practice had ended for the Reno Bighorns of the N.B.A. Development League, but Emmett, 29, had retreated to his 'comfort area,' the court, a source of salvation and frustration for him. He was nearly seven years removed from his last N.B.A. game, and now the Nets were making him an offer: a contract for 10 days. Ten days to make an impression. Ten days to redefine his life. N.B.A. teams use these contracts to fill spots on their benches. But the commitment is painfully meager: the player is signed for 10 days but can be released after one. If he lasts, he can be offered a second 10-day contract. When that ends, he must be signed for the rest of the season. Or just released." [New York Times]

Not much happened at yesterday's NHL trade deadline. We think: "Rick Nash? Still a Columbus Blue Jacket. Bryan Allen & Jaroslav Spacek? Still Carolina Hurricanes. Derek Roy? Still a Buffalo Sabre. P.A. Parenteau? Still a New York Islander.The inactivity wasn't a real surprise as we've seen a massive case of parity this year in the league. You could argue that there are still 11 teams in the West in contention while the East has 10. And when 21 out of 30 franchises believe they can make a run at the Stanley Cup, the number of deadline handshakes decrease." [Bloguin.com]

Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson may have saved the Kings: "Building a new arena for the Sacramento Kings has never been closer to reality. The city, the Sacramento Kings and the NBA announced a tentative deal Monday to finance a new arena that would keep the team in California's capital for the long haul. The City Council will vote on the plan March 6. Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson, NBA Commissioner David Stern and the Maloof family, which owns the Kings, emerged from three days of talks in Orlando, Fla.,—where they had been negotiating during All-Star weekend—to announce that the framework of a deal had been reached, giving fans some 3,000 miles away in the Central Valley reason to cheer." [Yahoo Sports]

Your Dead Parrot Interlude:

Robert Griffin III likes socks, dislikes clocks: "As for his already-impressive 40-yard dash, Griffin said he was given a better time when he had finished running. He said his representatives are checking into that. 'I was told on the field that it was 4.35 officially. They told me it was faster than what the screen had posted,' Griffin said. 'If that happens to be the right time, that's nothing to be mad about, 4.41 is a great time. But you want to make sure the right time is put up there.'" [AP/Yahoo]

Josh Beckett is pissed at the clubhouse "snitches" who took away his beer: "Beckett and other starting pitchers often drank beer during games they were not in last season. Jon Lester confirmed those reports last fall and acknowledged that Beckett took part. Beckett has admitted to 'lapses in judgment.' But in the interview, Beckett said: 'Somebody made that stuff up, just like somebody made up that we were doing stuff . . . This is stupid. I don't understand what the big deal is. Somebody was trying to save their own ass, and it probably cost a lot of people their asses. The snitching [expletive], that's [expletive]. It's not good. 'There's two things with the clubhouse thing that I have a problem with: If I'm going to say something about the clubhouse, my name is going to be on it. The second thing is you never want to be remembered as that guy because that will follow wherever you go. It's just mind-boggling to me.'" [Boston Globe]

Send stories, photos, and anything else you might have to tips@deadspin.com.

Your morning roundup for Feb. 27. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors.

What we're watching (all times EST): Daytona 500, NASCAR Sprint Cup Series (Fox) at noon. Notre Dame at Georgetown (ESPN) and Mississippi Valley State at Jackson State (ESPNU) in men's college basketball at 7. Baylor at Texas A&M (ESPN2) in women's college basketball at 7. Devils at Rangers (NBCSN) at 7:30. Kansas at Oklahoma (ESPN) and Texas Tech at Baylor (ESPNU) in men's college basketball at 9. Notre Dame at Connecticut (ESPN2) in women's college basketball at 9.

Read me

I'm The Dude, Man: "The hypotheses on the origin of dude are not particularly interesting. Some of them are remembered only because Skeat took part in the discussion. He suggested that dude was an abbreviation of Low German dudenkop 'blockhead' (kop = Kopf 'head'); the simplex German Dude has also been attested with the same meaning. Another putative etymon suggested for dude is Portuguese doudo, a dialectal form of doido 'simpleton, fool.' As a parallel, fop has been cited: the word combines the senses 'fool' (the predominant early sense) and 'one wearing flashy clothes.' German Dude and Dudenkop never meant 'an overdressed person,' and this makes Skeat's derivation less persuasive. His first note on the subject goes back to 1900; the Portuguese hypothesis circulated even earlier. A fanciful etymology connected dude with one of the preterit forms of do. Another bizarre guess had it that at one time New York dandies greeted one another with 'How dew you dew?' A few letter writers thought that dude has ties with the name of the now extinct dodo. Such wild suggestions have gone a long way toward fostering the opinion that etymology is a pursuit worthy only of the stupidest dudes (duds). A serious scholar wondered whether dude is a borrowing (via American Spanish) of Arabic dud 'worm, caterpillar.' Attempts to derive dude from doodle are also on record. Dude appears to be an Americanism coined in New York City, and that is why it may have been brought to the New World by immigrants. However, the existence of dude in British dialects cannot be ruled out. Thomas Hardy's novel Jude the Obscure appeared in 1895. Since the British pronunciation of du- is very often ju- ('Have you paid the jews yet?' That is, dues, not Jews), dude, which became known in England almost at once, was pronounced jude. Did Hardy intend a pun? Jude was modest and unassuming, a simple-hearted dude, obedient to its creator's agenda." [OUPblog]

This Date In Deadspin History

Feb 27, 2009: Who's Up For Condom Shopping With Anna Kournikova?

Elsewhere

A-Rod offers Jeremy Lin his couch, is an idiot: "Alex Rodriguez says he has noticed the sudden rise of Jeremy Lin, and he has read the stories about how the New York Knicks point guard had nowhere to live. A-Rod's response: Stop sleeping on your brother's couch, or your teammate's couch, and come bunk with me! Per the Associated Press: 'If he's still looking for a place to crash, maybe he can crash at my apartment,' the New York Yankees star said. 'Imagine the tabloids then. Linsanity. Wow.'" [Yahoo Sports]

Canada shuts down for NHL Trade Deadline Day. Seriously: "NHL trade deadline day is hockey's version of Groundhog Day. Every reporter, analyst and TV host puts on his best Hugo Boss suit to talk NHL trades for 10 hours or so. Each morsel of rumour and innuendo is relentlessly masticated. Roaming charges apply on every 'CrackBerry.' There are more panels than a solar energy farm. One network's former coaches and print guys against the other network's former goons and print guys...So this year, we're going to accept it as a given, a pagan festival carefully manufactured over the years by TSN and Rogers Sportsnet as they go wall-to-wall on Monday...Should you need a drinking game in the traditionally slow-moving first hours of programming (it starts at 8 a.m. EST), take a shot every time someone mentions Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke and goalie in the same sentence. You'll be insensible before 9 a.m." [The Globe and Mail]

Chamique Holdsclaw shares her struggles off the court: "Holdsclaw was not the first high-profile athlete to admit to depression: Ricky Williams, Terry Bradshaw and Mike Tyson all had. But professional athletes are expected to be high-energy, mentally strong performers. Giving in, acknowledging depression, is often seen as a weakness. In her book, Holdsclaw says she wanted out of Washington because she was ashamed. 'I didn't want people to know I suffered from depression,' she said. 'I was supposed to be this strong athlete, and I didn't want to seem weak in anyone's eyes.' After her suicide attempt, Holdsclaw returned to the Sparks without anyone on the team knowing what had happened." [New York Times]

Your Don Cherry Canadian Couture Interlude:

Big Papi, smaller and sober: "David Ortiz, who says he has dropped 20 pounds in the past two months and looks like it, is on a diet unlike any that most of you know. For starters, he can't eat chicken, an enormous sacrifice for a guy who had pollo many nights growing up in his native Dominican Republic. He can't eat egg whites, just the yolks. No shrimp, but lobster, yes. Some salmon, but no grouper. Alcohol, no. 'I was in many resorts this winter, and all I did was watch people drink,' he said. 'I have a friend here who is the general manager of El Presidente [a popular Dominican beer]. He called me yesterday, and said, 'David, how much do you want me to send over?' I had to tell him, 'Never mind.'" [ESPN Boston]

Jason Bay and Eddie Vedder: Can't find a bigger fan: "I was a huge Pearl Jam fan. I grew up in the Northwest. They're huge there. I mean, they're huge everywhere, but especially there. And that's always what I listened to. Eddie's a huge baseball fan. Huge Cubs fan. There's a lot of guys who have met him. Sean Casey, who's a diehard Pearl Jam fan, he's hung out with Eddie numerous times. When I got traded to Boston, we played a game and that night Eddie was playing somewhere in Boston on his solo tour. And he signed this poster, 'Hey, Jason, welcome to the Red Sox.' And then Casey gave me his number. So we text back and forth." [NJ.com]

Send stories, photos, and anything else you might have to tips@deadspin.com.

Your morning roundup for Feb. 24. Photo via ESPN/Getty. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors.

What we're watching (all times EST): WGC-Accenture Match Play Championship, third round (Golf Channel) at 2. Canadiens at Capitals (NHL Network) at 7. Loyola (MD) at Rider (ESPN2) and Butler at Valparaiso (ESPNU) in men's college basketball at 7. Baylor at Kansas (Fox Sports Net) in women's college basketball at 7:30. Boston University at Vermont (NBCSN) in men's college hockey at 7:30. NBA All-Star Weekend Rising Stars Challenge (TNT) at 9. Marquette at West Virginia (ESPN) and Fairfield at Iona (ESPNU) in men's college basketball at 9. North Dakota at Denver (NBCSN) in men's college hockey at 10.

Read me

After tragedy, a Minnesota hockey mom rethinks hockey: "In an ideal world Jabby would never have skated onto the ice in the third period for Benilde—St. Margaret's School in its junior varsity game against Wayzata High on Dec. 30. A crafty forward with a knack for scoring, Jack, 16, had always been a star on his Minneapolis Storm association teams, but the jump to high school from association hockey is generally a difficult one. He made varsity this season as a third- or fourth-liner, and his coach, Ken Pauly, sometimes had the sophomore play a period or two with the junior varsity to get him more ice time. Jack scored the first goal of the game against Wayzata and played through the first two periods. Since Minnesota State High School League (MSHSL) rules limit a player to four periods every 24 hours, Leslie knew he would have preferred to sit and play more minutes with the Red Knights' varsity in its game against Maple Grove High later that night. She was bummed, too; she wanted to see him skate up. Plus, she says, 'the [jayvee] game was getting a bit rough...' Leslie was separated from her son by a plate of glass and a few feet when, five minutes and 48 seconds into the third period, Jack was hit from behind by a Wayzata forward and flew headfirst into the boards. 'When your son goes down, you count to five, and you say, O.K., get up. But he didn't," says Mike. 'I knew something was wrong when he didn't get up,' says Leslie. 'He always gets up. 'Mike was the first to go out on the ice. Leslie couldn't move. Someone pushed her out there; she doesn't remember who. 'When he said, 'Mom, I can't move,' I almost collapsed on top of him.'" [Sports Illustrated]

This Date In Deadspin History

Feb 24, 2006: John Rocker Would Like To Knock You Up

Elsewhere

Jeremy Lin may have lost to the Heat, but he's a winner with internet-savvy grandmas: "Linsanity has rocked China, inspired wordsmiths and rekindled interest in the art of card collecting, but it has also hit another unlikely subset: crafters. Online handmade marketplace Etsy.com is among the crafters' Web sites that have been brimming with Jeremy Lin goods beyond the normal sports jersey." [New York Times]

Beseiged Blackburn manager's bodyguard isn't "big or butch or anything": "Blackburn fans really don't like manager Steve Kean. They've expressed this through signs, protests and even planes throughout a season that has the Rovers teetering on the brink of the relegation zone. Their vehemence in their position has only grown the longer Kean remains employed and since large segments of humanity aren't able to keep football in perspective, Steve Kean now feels the need to keep a karate expert with him at all times. And no, it's not Zlatan Ibrahimovic." [Dirty Tackle]

Your Grocery Sack Juggling Interlude:

Red Wings record home winning streak ends at 23, we think: "Jimmy Howard protected the Red Wings through one subpar period, then another. Newcomer Kyle Quincey and the third line helped in the third. Ultimately, the Wings came up short, and their record-setting 23-game home winning streak ended. They lost, 4-3, to Western Conference rival Vancouver in a shoot-out Thursday at Joe Louis Arena, failing to garner two points at home for the first time since Nov. 3." [Detroit Free Press]

Careful Dolphins fans, Peyton could hurt his neck looking up at your billboard: "Miami Dolphins fans want Peyton Manning as their quarterback and they're willing to stop traffic to get their point across. Dolphins fans put up a billboard at the intersection of I-95 and I-595 in Fort Lauderdale to advertise ManningtoMiami.com and their campaign - although that picture of Manning in the turquoise and orange is a little jarring." [Washington Post]

Send stories, photos, and anything else you might have to tips@deadspin.com.

Craig James, the helicopter parent and former ESPN analyst running for a U.S. Senate seat in Texas, brought his Socratic stylings to a Republican debate on a Wednesday. In the midst of a big gay pile-on in which James and something called Ted Cruz chastised a former Dallas mayor for marching in a gay pride parade, James dropped the following:

JAMES: I think right now in this country, our moral fiber is sliding down a slope that is going to be hard to stop if we don't stand up with leaders who don't go ride in gay parades. I can assure you I will never ride in a gay parade. And I hear what you're saying, Tom, but leaders – our kids out there people need to see examples.

MODERATOR: Do you think people choose to be gay?

JAMES: I think it's a choice, I do.

MODERATOR: It's not in the genes?

JAMES: I think that you have to make that choice. But in that case right there, they are going to have to answer to the Lord for their actions. We should not give benefits to those civil unions.

Watch the video, if you want to see two men trip all over their dicks to out-gay-bait each other (and if for some reason you longed to hear Craig James fart inanities into a live microphone once again). A couple things to note: James is currently polling in the mid to low Buddy Roemers—4 percent, last we saw—so it's only natural that he reach for the hard stuff. Also, you know who else has to answer to the Lord? Men who kill five hookers while at SMU.

Update, 6:10 p.m.: Our transcript up there is truncated. Per the full video at left, the last bit of James's quote should read:

I think it's a choice. I do. I think—you have to make that choice. Absolutely. I'm gonna finish this up now. Same-sex marriage, if someone chooses to do that, that's them. And the Lord—God's going to judge each one of us in this room for our actions. But in that case right there, they're going to have to answer to the Lord for their actions. We should not give benefits to those civil unions.

He goes on:

It should not occur. We have to stay strong on this. This is important, man. I'm telling you what: We have a fiscal issue in this country. We also have a moral issue in this country.

Rapturous applause.

TX GOP Senate Candidate Craig James Claims That Being Gay Is A Choice That Will Be Punished By God [ThinkProgress]

From now until the end of the season, we'll be posting a number of clips from the previous weekend's English Premier League/FA Cup games. If there's a goal, save, dive, lip-read profanity, or hocked sputum we should know about, drop us a line at tips@deadspin.com. (You might also enjoy our better-late-than-never FA Cup guide.)

Stevenage draw one for the little guys (Stevenege FC 0, Tottenham Hotspur 0)

Tottenham is in third place in the Premiership and have played in the last two Champions Leagues were in the Champions League in 2010/11. Stevenage is 47 places below them in League One. Stevenage was playing non-league soccer until they were bumped up in 2009. Then they won back-to-back promotions by beating Basil Fawlty's favorite team, Torquay United, the next year. They are currently in the hunt for yet another promotion, from League One to the Championship. If they make it to the Premier League at the end of next season (unlikely), it would represent one of the greatest runs in English soccer history. Those FA Cup fans in search of a Cinderella they could actually embrace—why couldn't you let yourself be loved, Crawley Town?—should set their sights on Stevenage.

Stevenage plays at tiny Broadhall Way, which on Saturday was filled up well over its 7,100-person capacity. Even watching the game on TV was a different experience. The camera angles were new. You could see trees above the low-slung grandstands. Trees! Looming over the park was what looked like a traveling American circus. Everything about Stevenage is a little off, and charmingly so. Two players in their starting 11 on Saturday, Chris Beardsley and Mark Roberts, are studying sports journalism.

Having pulled out a draw against Tottenham—thanks in part to an offside Scott Parker vaporizing a sure Louis Saha goal (it would have been Saha's third in two games for Spurs)—the Boro head 30 miles south from their funny little Hertfordshire home to White Hart Lane for a well-earned March 7 rematch. They'll surely have picked up a few fans along the way, this one included.

Idiots on the field (Liverpool 6, Brighton 1)

I sat down for Liverpool-Brighton on Sunday hoping for some soccer schadenfreude. After Luis Suarez left Patrice Evra hanging last week (Evra was the guy whom Suarez had recently addressed as "negro"), and after manager Kenny Dalglish defended Suarez (again), I wanted bad things to happen to Liverpool. I wanted Brighton to upset a vulnerable Liverpool side in front of their Suarez-supporting fans. I wanted Dalglish to say more stupid shit about Suarez, and I wanted owner John Henry to leave his basement lair beneath Fenway, ferry 'cross the Mersey and sack the both of them. I wanted Suarez to get punched. I wanted Suarez to miss a wide-open net. I wanted Suarez to get punched while missing a wide-open net. I believe my feelings on the matter were well-captured by the john at Nevada Smiths, where I watched the game:

Naturally, Brighton went out scored a hat trick against itself, the last of the three coming on an absurd, juggling own goal by Lewis Dunk. (That might have been the highlight of the match had the large, naked man not gone frolicking around the field in stoppage time. "We have an idiot on the field," was how the announcer put it. Just one?)

Already up 5-1 in the 81st minute, Liverpool's Dirk Kuyt was pulled down in the area, and the referee pointed to the spot. Kenny, who later said he "wanted to give him a leg up with his confidence" let Suarez have a shot, and it looked as though my morning would be thoroughly ruined.

And what happened? I think I'll remember Kenny Dalglish's expression best of all. I mean, sure, Suarez biffed the PK, in arrogant, half-assed fashion, no less. But it was Dalgish, squinting into the grass, looking like nothing so much as an unfathomably sad fifth Beatle, who really cinched the moment for me. I smiled. A bit of cosmic comeuppance, at last.

Who cares if Suarez had his best game of the suspension? Who cares if he would later score the best of Liverpool's six goals that day? What counts is that Suarez was, for a moment, the second-most-exposed ass on the pitch that day.